Both Sides Now
by TowMondler
Summary: Monica calls on Chandler to help her through a rough time....horrible summary, just please read it
1. They just block the sun

I'm in a Joni Mitchell mood so her song has inspired this fic. I shouldn't be starting a fic when my life is so crazy, but I'm going to anyway. I really just wanted to use this song. I love it. It starts out a little sad, and a little confusing, but hang in there. It'll get happier and not so confusing, I promise. So please review and list me the many things you love about Joni Mitchell or my fic....whichever one floats your boat. 

Disclaimer: So the characters don't belong to me.....um, yeah. 

She stared out the window at the tiny towns that they were passing. The car flew along the highway and she found herself playing the alphabet game, trying to find the letters in the billboards that they were passing. After all, no one was talking in the car. She really wasn't sure if it was because of his concentration on the road or if it was simply that he didn't want to talk to her. So she didn't talk either. 

"Almost home," he finally broke the silence when a large sign told them that they were within 100 miles of home. "Another hour and half or so depending on traffic." She did not respond, but he saw her head nod, a curtain of black hair falling over her face. He looked over to the seat next to him and saw, much to his surprise and dismay, that she was crying. Her shoulders heaved as she sobbed. 

"Hey," he said softly. "It's okay."

"I'm sorry," she wailed but didn't make any move to try and stop crying. The tears fell fast and landed in large drops onto her lap making her jeans darker where they had fallen. "I don't know why...I just..." 

"What?" He pushed gently.

"I don't want to go home," she admitted. "I don't want to go back there and have to...." Her voice trailed off, but he understood. It was hard. She would have to go back to real life, and that just didn't seem possible at that point. 

"I know," he said quietly. He pulled off the road and took her hand. 

"It's ridiculous really," she continued. "Because I have to go back.....I just think...."

"I know." And did he ever. And she knew that he understood. She could see it in his eyes. She could see that he understood exactly what she was feeling. And for the first time in a long time she didn't feel as lonely.

Rows and flows of angel hair

and ice cream castles in the air

and feather canyons everywhere

I've looked at clouds that way

He helped pull her bags out of the trunk and handed them to her. 

"Thanks," she said as she took them from him. 

"No problem." She opened up the door when his voice stopped her. "If you ever...need anything. You know that I'm always right there. I might not be still right across the hall anymore, but I'm there." She dropped the bag that she was holding and threw her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek.

"If things were different," she exclaimed. "I really think that you and I could have been something special." With a sigh, she let go and picked up the strewn bags and opened the door and left him standing alone in the cold, New York, night. He shook his head and got back into the car and drove away. Away from her and away from the what if's. When he arrived at his apartment, he found the message light blinking on the answering machine. As surprising as this was, the message was even more surprising. 

"Chandler? It's um...Ross? I was just wondering if you've heard from my sister. I guess, if you did, or if you do....could you call me?" Chandler had to give a slight laugh at the message and picked up the phone to dial Ross. Then he stopped. If Monica wanted to let him know that she was okay, wouldn't she have called him herself? How long ago did Ross leave this message? Maybe Monica had already called him. Chandler placed the phone back into the receiver and only vaguely listened to the other messages. The phone rang and he leaned over to answer it. 

"Hello?"

"Chandler?" It was her. His heart began to beat a little faster. He remembered the last phone call he had gotten from her. He remembered hearing the sobbing on the other end the quiet voice asking him to come over to her apartment. He remembered walking into the apartment and finding her with the bottle of pills lying next to her. He shook his head. Stop thinking about those things, he thought to himself. 

"Hi," he answered. "What's going on?"

"I just...I wanted to thank you for coming to get me," she explained. 

"You're welcome."

"It just, it meant a lot that you'd come out there. I didn't want to have to face Ross, or even you know, Rachel or Phoebe...I just....I needed....just thanks." He smiled to himself. In truth he had felt privileged that she had chosen him to call. 

"I told you already, that it wasn't a problem. Have you called your brother yet?"

"No, not yet. I don't want to talk to him yet. Why?"

"He called here."

"Oh...I'll call him later." There was silence on the line.

"Did you see anyone else yet?"

"Rachel. She came over. She had tried to cook," Monica gave a small laugh. He then realized how rare it was lately to hear that laugh. "It was pretty bad."

"I can imagine," he laughed with her. 

"Anyway," she said. "Thanks again, and goodnight."

"Night Mon," he said hanging up the phone and sighing. What happened to his best friend?

__

but now they only block the sun

they rain and snow on everyone

so many things I would have done

but clouds got in my way

He noticed it, and so he was sure that she had. The way that they were treating her. As if she was glass that would break. They tried to talk about only happy things around her, and when someone would say something slightly negative the rest would flash them a look and they would cover their mouths and apologize. Chandler was becoming irritated with it, and he could only imagine how she was feeling.

"So Monica, how about we go shopping? Just the girls?" Rachel suggested. 

"Thanks, Rachel," she said. "But no thanks. I'm just not in a shopping mood."

"Well, then how about a movie?" Joey offered. "We could all go see a movie." Monica managed a small smile.

"That's okay," she answered. 

"There's that new exhibit at the museum," Ross suggested. "Want to go see it?"

"You know what? I'm just going to go home," Monica said gathering her things and leaving the coffeehouse. They all eyed each other, asking a silent question, who should go make sure that she was okay?

"Stop that," Chandler told them.

"Stop what?" Rachel asked.

"Stop treating her like a six-year-old. She's been through a lot, and we need to support her and not treat her differently, because she's still Monica." He said those words, but even he had to see fault in them. She was not still Monica. She had changed. But anyone who had gone through what she had was bound to have changed. 

"Chandler, we're just trying to look out for her," Ross said.

"Yeah, well. I think we're just pushing her away." He threw a five down on the coffee table and left the coffeehouse. When he went to her apartment, he found it empty. He knew where she would have gone, and was not surprised to see her sitting in the park staring out at the lake. He sat down on the bench next to her. 

"Monica?" She didn't turn her head but acknowledged he was there by placing a gloved hand on his leg. 

"Were you voted the one to come make sure that I was okay?"

"No, I came on my own."

"Oh." She became silent again. "She loves the park, you know. The clouds. She loves the clouds. And the ducks....and....he used to take her to feed them...I don't....I can't without him...." She shook her head. "I don't know what to do." She looked at him finally and began to cry as he gathered her in his arms. 

"I know Mon, I know." He just simply held her as she cried herself out. 

__

I've looked at clouds from both sides now

from up and down and still somehow

it's cloud's illusions I recall

I really don't know clouds at all

She stood in line at the pharmacy waiting for her turn. 

"Monica?" She heard a voice behind her. "Monica Geller?" She turned to see Janice standing there.

"Janice, hi," she said surprised. 

"It's not Monica Geller, anymore huh? I heard that you got married." Well, clearly she hadn't heard the rest of the story.

"No, it's Monica Spencer." 

"Congratulations," Janice said not noticing how Monica's face was crumbling and the tears were seconds away from spilling.

"I have to go," she managed and turned to leave. 

"Monica? Are you okay?" Janice asked. No, she wasn't okay. She hadn't been okay in a long time. What was feeling okay like? Her head was spinning and she felt sick. 

"I have to go," she repeated and ran out of the pharmacy without her medicine. It still hurt. Even after six months it still hurt. Well, she supposed it would hurt forever knowing that you were a widow at the age of thirty. And her baby, Lydia, her baby girl. She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and just let the tears fall.

~*Are you confused? Well, don't fear, I will continue soon, but only if you review. How do you like it so far? I will explain what had happened to her, I swear. But you need to press that little button first. Thanks!~*


	2. Living every day

Okay hi! Sorry it took so long to get it up. My 18th birthday was last Monday, and my prom was Friday, and then I went camping all weekend, so I am really sorry. Please leave me a review and tell me what you think. 

Disclaimer: The characters and the song by Ms. Mitchell do not belong to me. So please don't sue, okay? Because seriously, I'm broke. 

She didn't get out of bed that next day. She didn't think that she had the strength to. She heard the first knock on the door. She saw the angry numbers on her clock glaring at her, almost demanding that she get dressed now. The second set of knocks came about twenty minutes later. She didn't move. She stayed huddled under her covers. The third set came ten minutes later, and then fifteen minutes after that she heard the door open and a voice calling her name.

"Monica!" It was Chandler. He came rushing into the room. "I knocked. Didn't you hear me knock?"

"I heard," she answered. She didn't turn to look at him. 

"Monica, it's two in the afternoon."

"I am aware of the time thanks," she replied icily. She wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, even him. 

"What's the matter?" Everything, she thought, but she remained silent. 

"I ran into Janice yesterday," she told him finally. He could understand wanting to hide from that, but he bit his lip to hold back his lame attempt at a joke.

"And?"

"She said that she had heard I had gotten married. I wonder if she heard about Lydia...do you think she knew about Lydia?" She shook her head. "It doesn't matter. She didn't know he...about the accident." She couldn't bring herself to say the words. Died. That awful word. 

"God, Monica, I'm sorry..." Monica didn't answer. She didn't look at him.

"Ice cream. Lydia wanted ice cream. He always spoiled her, always." She was crying now. "She was his princess. He told me that if we had anymore kids, he didn't know if he could love them like he loved her. He said that he loved her so much, that it didn't seem possible to him to be able to love another child as much. He told me that he loved me like that too." She buried her head in the pillow.

"Why don't we go see Lydia?" He suggested. Lydia. Three-year-old Lydia who was now living with Monica's parents. She had gone there while Monica had been in the coma. While her father died, and while the world changed. Monica hadn't been able to handle having Lydia back with her once she woke up. She hadn't been able to handle much of anything. 

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels

the dizzy dancing way that you feel

as every fairy tale comes real

I've looked at love that way

Chandler rubbed his temples as he left Monica's apartment. He remembered her phone call. That faithful night about three months before. 

Three months before:

"Chandler..." she had said sobbing on the other end. "I did something stupid. Please come here." He had hung up and rushed over there. He had pounded on the door and when she didn't answer, he had practically broken it down. He found her lying there in a puddle of her own vomit with the empty pill bottle next to her.

"Monica," he screamed. He rushed to her side and checked for a pulse. It was there. Weak, but it was there. "Monica? Monica?"

"Chandler?" She mumbled her eyes still squeezed shut. 

"Monica? Talk to me, tell me why you did this?"

"Tell Lydia that I'm sorry."

"Monica....Mon?" He was crying now, holding her in his lap and crying as he fumbled for the phone and dialed 911. 

"I just...can't take it anymore. The pain, Chandler...it hurts to get out of bed, it hurts to breathe." He had held her hand all the way to the hospital. He had been there when she opened her eyes.

"Oh God," she had moaned. "I'm a horrible mother. I was going to orphan my child. Oh, God." She grabbed onto Chandler's sweater began to cry into the wool. 

"Monica, calm down. You're okay, now." 

"No," she hiccupped. "I'm not okay. I'm nowhere near okay." She was thoughtful for a moment and then turned her face to his and looked deep into his eyes. "When I get out of here, I'm going to go away for a little while."

"What?" He asked confused. Go away? What was she talking about?

"I mean, I'm going to take the first flight out. I don't know where, and I don't care. I just want to get away from here." She wiped the tears away with the back of her hand. "I'll go say goodbye to Lydia, and go. Just go. I don't know for how long. I just can't be here anymore." That was obvious, he wanted to tell her. Maybe that's why you're laying in a hospital bed after digesting a whole lot of pills.

"Monica.."

"Don't. I need this Chandler. I need to go away for a while. Lydia...she looks so much like him, you know?" Actually, Lydia was a carbon copy of Monica, but he didn't feel it was the right time to point that out to her, so he didn't say anything at all. "I see her, and I think of him. I think of Tom, Chandler, and I can't breathe." She had thought that that she was so strong. It turned out she wasn't as strong as she had always thought. And she didn't know much at that point, but she knew that she couldn't move on there. New York held just too many memories to contend with. Better to leave and learn how to be on her own somewhere else. She had to. For herself, and for Lydia.

__

but now it's just another show

you leave them laughing when you go

and if you care, don't let them know

don't give yourself away

Present:

"Mommy!" Lydia's cry came as soon as Monica had parked the car in front of her parents' house. 

"Lydia!" She echoed her daughter's enthusiasm as she jumped out of the driver's seat and ran to her little girl and scooped her into her arms. 

"Look!" Lydia's three-year-old chubby fingers pointed to the flowers that Judy had been planting. 

"Monica," Judy said with a smile climbing to her feet and giving her daughter a hug. They had had a long talk when Monica was in the hospital after the accident about the way that Judy treated her. It was during the conversation that they had agreed that it would be better for Lydia to go live with them until Monica was back on her feet. Both literally and metaphorically. "How are you?"

"I'm doing okay," she said with a half smile. "Now that I have my favorite girl with me." Lydia grinned and threw her arms around her mother's neck. Monica was amazed at how much she had grown in six months. Six months. Six months since Tom had died. Six months since her world had shattered. It had been three months since she had tried to kill herself. God, that was a horrible sentence. She smiled at her little girl. "How about you and me go to the toy store?"

"Yeah!" 

"Yeah? Okay. Mom, we'll be back later," Monica said giving her mother a kiss and taking Lydia and placing her in her car seat and starting her SUV, something that Tom had bought her as soon as she had found out that she was pregnant. He had said that it was a safe car. How funny that they had been in his car when they were in the accident. She used to think that if they had just taken hers then he would still be alive. She shook the thoughts away and smiled back at her daughter. 

"Ready?" She asked and Lydia nodded and Monica pulled out and drove away from her mother's house. 

__

I've looked at love from both sides now

from give and take

and still somehow

it's love illusions I recall

I really don't know love at all

Chandler heard the knock on the door and willed himself to his feet. He looked at his clock. Two in the morning. Did Joey forget his keys again? He muttered to himself all the way to the door and pulled it open. He was surprised to see Monica on the other side.

"Hi," she said as he opened the door.

"Monica? Do you know what time it is? Are you okay?"

"I'm great. Come with me. Well, get dressed first, and then come with me." She gave him a smile.

"Are you drunk?" He asked and she laughed a little.

"No...well, not really. Come on." He went back into his room, his head raced as he pulled on a pair of pants and grabbed his keys and wallet and followed her out of the apartment. 

"Where are we going?"

"Geez, you're full of questions," she said smiling. She pulled his hand and took him out to her car which was waiting and drove away. He noticed that she was driving out of the city.

"Monica?"

"Hmm?"

"Where are we going?"

"You'll see," she replied mischievously. After forty-five minutes or so she pulled the car into a park. She hopped out and ran to the lake and he followed behind her. She stopped and sat down at the water's edge.

"Where are we?"

"This is where he proposed to me," she said softly. 

"It's beautiful." He wasn't really sure why she had taken him here, but it was the first time she had mentioned anything about Tom without breaking down, and so he wasn't arguing. 

"Yes. He was romantic, wasn't he? He laid down a blanket on top the of the snow, and sat me down and pulled out the ring and he was nervous, and do you know what I said to him?"

"Hmm?"

"I said I didn't know that heaven was so cold." Her eyes were full of glistening tears, but she wasn't crying. In fact, she was smiling. "I spent all day with Lydia. And I decided to take her back. I talked to my mother, and we're going to move her back in a week." 

"That's great, Monica," he said. "You can handle that?" Monica nodded. 

"She's my daughter. She's all I have left of him. I want her there with me," she explained. "I'm done being self-centered and wallowing in my pity. I wasn't the only one who lost someone. Lydia lost her father, and....." She paused. "I was selfish for so long, Chandler." She shrugged. "I don't want to be anymore. This isn't what Tom would have wanted. He wouldn't want Lydia to have to grow up without either one of her parents. He wouldn't want me to be this depressed......so I'm not going to be anymore." She reached over and took his hand. "You think it's a bad idea? I mean, Lydia coming to live with me again."

"Not if you think that you can handle it," he said smiling at her. 

"I'm sure." 

"Then I think that it's a great idea." She threw her arms around his neck. 

"Thank you Chandler," she whispered into his ear. "For everything."

__

tears and fears and feeling proud

to say I love you right aloud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I've looked at life that way

"Monica? Are you sure this is a good idea?" Ross asked for what seemed like the thousandth time that day as they moved Lydia's things back into Monica's apartment. She rubbed her temples. She sighed with a annoyed tone. 

"Shut up Ross," she snapped picking a box of Lydia's clothes and taking them into the bedroom. The rest of the friends looked from the closed door to Ross.

"I don't know about this. Look how snappish she is," Ross commented. 

"You're an ass Ross," Chandler said throwing down the toy in his hand and following Monica into Lydia's bedroom. He found Monica sitting on Lydia's bed looking a picture that Chandler had taken of Monica holding newborn Lydia in her arms with Tom's arm around her shoulder, both beaming at the camera. 

"Hey," Chandler said softly from the doorway. 

"Was that uncalled for?" She asked looking up from the photograph.

"No, it was most certainly called for," he answered sitting down next to him.

"He just...." she trailed off and threw her head back in an exasperated sigh. Then they both started laughing. They were laughing so hard that tears were falling down their faces.

"Why don't we leave the unpacking until tonight?" Chandler suggested pulling her to her feet.

"What?"

"Let's go get something to eat," he said. She looked back at the pile of toys and clothes, and he knew that it was killing her that she couldn't clean it up right away.

"Okay," she finally said biting her lip. And for the first time he saw a flash of his old carefree friend. One that wasn't changed by tragedy and loss, but the old Monica who played games of football for a troll trophy and who was always up to his next scheme. And he took her hand and they raced past their confused friends and out the door. 

__

oh but now old friends they're acting strange

They shake their heads, they say I've changed

Well, something's lost, but something's gained

In living everyday

Okay the last bit of the song will be in the next part, and please drop me a review. Just press that button right there. Come on! It is my birthday after all, consider it a birthday present. 


	3. Win and lose some

Okay, I'm really sorry it's taking so long for each chapter...but I'm done with school!!!!! So that will help get them up faster. Please review and leave me a little note saying if you liked it or not, it would really mean a lot to me.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Not a single one. Okay, maybe one...or two....you know what, I don't own any of them, because how can you really own things that are really real right?

"I think that she had a good birthday, what do you think?" Monica asked Chandler wiping off her hands on a towel.

"I think that she had a wonderful birthday," Chandler agreed. Monica seemed to him to be...well, happier than she had for awhile.

"I better go put her to bed," Monica remarked looking into the living room where Lydia was crashed on the couch. 

"Good idea," Chandler remarked. "Need help?"

"I got her," Monica said waving her hand and gently picking up her slumbering daughter and carrying her to her bedroom. Monica couldn't believe that she was four. God, it seemed like yesterday that she was a tiny little thing. Monica sighed and flicked the light switch off. Having Lydia move back in turned out to be a wonderful form of therapy. They would talk about Tom and Monica could finally get through a conversation about him without losing it. Chandler could see that way that her eyes lit up when Lydia did something or said something that she found amusing. It was finally going okay....not great, but okay. And after the year that they had had it was more than they had expected. Anything was more than they had expected. She kissed Lydia's forehead and then went back into the living room where Chandler was the only remained guest from the party. 

"She looks more and more like you each day Monica," Chandler commented. "I mean it. A carbon copy of you." Monica smiled.

"You think?"

"Yes, definitely."

"I always thought she looked like Tom...." her voice trailed off and Chandler was suddenly afraid that he had picked the wrong topic. Monica smiled though at him. "If she looks like me...good luck." She gave a small snort. 

"Good luck to the boys," Chandler said. "Cause she's going to break hearts."

"And whose heart did I break?"

"Mine." She didn't know what to say to that. She studied his face to see if he was serious or not.

"Oh is that so?"

"Sure."

"Let me remind you that it is you who made me cry at that first Thanksgiving that you came to eat with us." He laughed at the memory.

"Yes, but you got your revenge. I just wish you hadn't taken it out on my toe." She covered her face with her hands as she giggled.

"Sorry." 

"Monica?"

"Yes?"

"Where did you go?"

"What?"

"Those three months....you disappeared, and I know I picked you up outside of Pittsburgh.....but where were you until then?" 

"I tried Chicago for a few weeks, Pittsburgh... Cincinnati...anywhere that wasn't here," she sighed. "It was just something that I needed to do. I needed to be anywhere but here." He studied her face in the soft light of the lamp. 

"Monica?"

"Hmmm?"

"Did you mean what you said?"

"When?"

"That night I picked you up, when I dropped you off, you said that we could have been really special? What did you mean by that?" It was out. The thought had been circling around in his head since she had said it what seemed like forever ago. 

"I meant just that....I always had a crush on you Chandler, you knew that." She took a sip of her drink and placed it back on the coffee table. He looked to be deep in thought.

"No, I didn't know that. Why didn't you say anything?" She shrugged.

"It didn't seem important," she replied. Not important? Of course it was important!

"Why not?" He implored.

"I don't know, Chandler. I guess neither of us would have acted on it, so what was the big deal? Besides, I thought that you knew."

"I didn't."

"Oh." That's all she said. Oh. She had had a crush on him? For how long? It seemed to him that he had always had a thing for her. Of course, he wouldn't tell her that. Not after she had brushed it off. 

"I guess I should go," he said standing up and getting his coat. "I'll call you tomorrow."

"Are you upset with me?"

"No," he assured her. That was the truth, he wasn't upset with her, but he was upset. And he thought it was about time for him to go home.

"Chandler," she started.

"No, Monica, I'm not upset with you, I'll call you later." He kissed her cheek and left her alone in the apartment. 

__

I've looked at life from both sides now

from win and lose 

and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

"Watch this Uncle Chandler!" Lydia cried as she ran through the apartment and flipped onto the couch.

"Lydia Grace Spencer," Monica admonished coming out of her bedroom. "What did I tell you about jumping on the furniture?"

"Not to do it?" Lydia looked up sheepishly.

"That's right," Monica said laughing coming over and picking up her daughter and spinning her around. She placed her back down and bit her lip turning to Chandler.

"How do I look?" Monica asked.

"Perfect." That was the truth. A black dress that showed off all her features, and her hair piled on top of her head and the diamonds Tom had given her on her last birthday sparkled in her ears. 

"Perfect," Lydia repeated. 

"Good," Monica said letting out a nervous laugh. "Rachel will be here any minute." As if on cue, the door opened and Rachel walked in.

"Lydia!" Lydia ran to her "aunt" and jumped into her arms. 

"Doesn't Mommy look beautiful?" Lydia asked. Monica blushed and her hands automatically went to twist a piece of hair as she was being looked over.

"She certainly does," Rachel agreed and hugged her best friend. "Have fun."

"Lydia, be good," Monica instructed picking up her purse.

"I'm always good," Lydia said laughing. Monica laughed along with her and kissed her on the forehead. 

"We'll be back later," Chandler told Rachel leading Monica out of the apartment. 

"Thanks for doing this," Monica said to Chandler as they walked to the elevator.

"What?"

"Taking me out to dinner, I needed a night off."

"Monica, this isn't just for you. I wanted to go out to dinner with you. It's not a chore."

"Just....thanks." He nodded and held out his arm, which she accepted as they boarded the elevator and it slid down to the lobby. While her new apartment was bigger and nicer, it didn't have the charm that the purple apartment had had. Rachel still lived there, and Phoebe had moved in when Monica had moved out to live with Tom. 

"Victoria's?" Monica asked when they pulled up in front of a restaurant.

"Yes? Is that all right?"

"It's fine," she said softly.

"Mon?"

"Oh nothing, it's just I told Tom I was pregnant here." She smiled a little at the memory and closed her eyes. "No, but it's fine."

"Are you sure? We can go somewhere else?"

"No."

"Are you...."

"I'm fine. This is great." While she had made pretty big steps when it came to moving on from Tom's death, she still had these little things that she couldn't do. Eat in certain restaurants, and shop in certain stores. They reminded her of him too much. Everything had reminded her of him for awhile. It was time to get over that, she decided taking a step towards the restaurant. And suddenly, she was very glad that Chandler had offered his arm. 

"Table for two? Bing?" The maitre d' nodded and told them to follow him. Memories flooded her senses. When they sat down, she could picture Tom across from her. She could see his face when she told him that she was pregnant. She could see him. 

"Monica?"

"I'm fine."

"No you're not." Chandler could see it in her eyes. She was not okay. She was far from okay. This was too much. Too many memories, too soon. 

"Chandler?" It came out half pleading, half sobbing. "Can we go somewhere else?"

"Anywhere else, you name it."

That's how a half an hour later they were sitting in a booth at the bar down the street. They stood out in their dress and suit. 

"I'm sorry," Monica repeated for what seemed like the hundredth time.

"Don't worry about it I said." 

"But I feel badly. You had this fantastic dinner planned, and I ruined it."

"You didn't ruin it, you didn't ruin anything." She smiled at him and took his hand.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek at the very same time that he turned his head. So her innocent, friendly kiss landed squarely on his mouth.

"I'm sorry," they both said at once. Then they both fell silent and Chandler took her face in his hands and kissed her again. She pulled away and sighed.

"I can't....it's too soon..." she grabbed her coat and ran from the restaurant leaving him all by himself. 

__

I've looked at life from both sides now

From up and down, 

and still somehow

It's life's illusions I recall

I really don't know life at all

~I hope that you liked this chapter, and please tell me if you did. Thanks! Oh! And I graduate tomorrow!!!! Go me!!!!!!!! I'm so excited. Can you tell?~


	4. Both sides now

~* Hello all! I hope that everyone's summer is going good. Mine, thus far, is fantastic! Okay, well, I wanted to finish this because I'm going to the beach this week and then San Francisco the week after, and so I won't be back for awhile (unless I can find myself a computer somehow. I'm going to try!). So please tell me what you thought of it, and have a wonderful two weeks!~*

Disclaimer: Oh, right, so I don't really own them, I'm just using them. If I did own them I'd be a millionaire, and I'm really....well, I'm not. 

Chandler didn't go home right away. Instead, he walked around the city. It was too soon. He shouldn't have done that. Why had he done that? He shouldn't have. His mind spun with questions that no one but her could answer. Had he screwed everything up forever? Was this fixable? The way that she had just ran from the restaurant. The look in her eyes when she told him it was too soon and ran from him. He wondered if she went straight home either. Did his friends know? He found a bench and sat down in the park. The park, far from it's usual frightening state at night, looked peaceful that night. Maybe it was the start of summer that was contributing to it. He always loved summer, and not only during his years of school. He could see a young college age couple walking out of the park.

"I hate the park at night," the girl said shivering as the boy slipped his arm around her. 

"Don't worry I'll keep you safe," he grinned suggestively. She mocked glared at him and pushed him away. It will get so much harder, he wanted to shout at them. It's easy now, but it won't stay easy. Everything will get twisted. Somewhere along the way everything will change. He finally stood up and made his way back to his apartment. He opened the door and dropped the keys into the bowl on the counter and sat down in the Barcalounger and leaned his head back. He sighed and closed his eyes. It was a mess, everything was a mess, including his life at that point. His relationship with Monica was officially in shambles. What was he thinking? She had been upset just earlier about Tom and how much she missed him. Why had he thought that it was a good time to kiss? Hey Mon, I know that you're upset over the death of your husband, but would your tongue like to play hockey with mine? He hit himself in the head. He was an idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. He stayed like that for awhile, and when he finally opened his eyes, he heard the knock on the door. 

"Did you forget your keys again Joe?" He called standing up to let his roommate in. There was no answer. No "Sorry Chandler," from the other side. He glanced out the peephole and to his surprise. It wasn't Joey. It was Monica standing there. 

"Monica?"

"Hi Chandler." She bit her bottom lip. She had gone all the way home and not been able to open the door to let herself into her apartment. So she turned back and went to the restaurant, but of course he was gone. It was crazy of her to think that he would have just sat there. So she walked around the park for a little while and then went to his apartment to see if he had gone home. 

"What are you doing here?" It came out a little crueler than he had hoped and her face fell. "I didn't mean it like that Monica." He rubbed his hand over his face. Idiot. Idiot. 

"I just came to...." She trailed off.

"What?"

"I just...Can I come in?"

"Oh, yeah," he moved aside to let her in and she stood in the middle of the kitchen not moving. She was playing with the strap on her purse. He closed the door behind her and offered a small smile. "Would you like to sit?"

"Sure," she said and took a seat on the chair. She glanced around the familiar apartment.

"Hasn't changed very much," he commented noting her looking around.

"No," at this she offered a smile of her own. "It hasn't." It was funny to her how her life could have changed so dramatically and his was almost exactly the same. Well, not entirely the same. She wasn't across the hall anymore, Phoebe and Rachel were. 

"So what did you want to talk about?" His voice shook her out of her reverie and she looked up at him. 

"I just...I wanted to apologize." She was apologizing? He had been the idiot. 

"Why you? I was the idiot, I shouldn't have kissed you. It was too soon."

"It's been almost a year."

"Yeah, but...."

"I can't grieve forever," she stated matter-of-factly. There was no emotion in her voice but he could see the beginnings of tears in her eyes. 

"But Monica, you can grieve for more than a year."

"I shut down and my life passed me by. My daughter still grew up, and life went on. And I don't want to shut down again. I don't want to be like that ever again."

"You don't have to."

"Well, see, if I let you....I've always had a little crush on you Chandler." She had a crush on him? He wanted to be like the cartoon characters and clean his ears to see if he had heard right. 

"Really?" Oh God, he sounded like a teenager who was asked out by the head cheerleader. 

"Yes really." 

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"Well, I didn't know that."

"Chandler."

"What?"

"I want to...I guess what I'm trying to say is that...."

"Yes?"

"I would very much like it if we could start to date." 

"Slowly."

"Very slowly." Their eyes met each other's and for the first time that night, honest, real, and very large smiles appeared on both their faces.

"I think I can do that."

"You think?" He moved closer to her and cupped her face in his hand. 

"Definitely." They kissed softly and this time she didn't pull away and run. This time she stayed put. 

After an hour, Monica pulled away from his arms. 

"I have to go."

"Why?"

"Because I have to get home to Lydia."

"Right." He gave her one more kiss and helped her to her feet. 

"I'll call you later."

"You'd better." He walked to her down to the street and saw her into a cab and then went back up to his apartment whistling the entire way up. His life was coming back together. Albeit with Elmer's glue and tape, but it was coming back together. He laughed softly to himself and opened the door and stepped inside. Yes, life was certainly good now. Most definitely.

~*That's the end folks. Drop me a note saying if you liked it or hated the ending (I'll admit it was a little rushed, I'm supposed to be packing, and I just really wanted to finish it). But please tell me. Thanks!*~


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